Secret Santa's Louvre: Ranking the Nation's Most Questionable Mona Lisa Merchandise
Photo: Post of Ajman, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
There comes a point in every nation's cultural life when someone has to ask the difficult questions. Not about the economy. Not about the trains. But about why you can buy a Mona Lisa shower curtain from a warehouse in Slough, and more importantly, whether you should.
Armed with a company credit card, a strong stomach and a loft that now resembles the gift shop of the Uffizi after a break-in, we spent three weeks ordering every piece of Leonardo-based tat the internet could throw at us. Each item was scored out of ten on three strict criteria: pun quality, build quality, and Secret Santa likelihood — that last one being the true measure of any gift's worth. Would a colleague in accounts, drawing your name from a hat in a Wetherspoons function room, genuinely be delighted? That's the test.
The Magnets: A Slandered Genre
Let's start at the bottom, because that's where the fridge magnet lives. The humble Mona Lisa magnet is the gateway drug of Renaissance merch — £1.99, slightly wonky printing, her smile flattened into something closer to a grimace. Ours arrived from a marketplace seller whose profile picture was a different Mona Lisa magnet. We respect the commitment.
Pun quality: 2/10. No pun attempted. Cowardice. Build quality: 4/10. It holds up a takeaway menu. Barely. Secret Santa likelihood: 7/10. It's the thought that counts, and this thought was cheap.
The Mug Middle Class
The Mona Lisa mug is a sprawling, fractured genre. On one end: the Tate shop's minimalist offering, her face reduced to three tasteful lines, £14.95, presumably fired by artisans. On the other: a ceramic nightmare from an online marketplace listing titled "MONA LISA COFFEE CUP FUNNY SMILE PRESENT" in capitals that suggest the seller has never slept.
The middle ground belongs to the pun mugs, and here the nation's designers have outdone themselves. We tested Mona Lisa, What's It All About? (a solid effort, docked points for needing the joke explained to our editor's dad), and the superior Moan-a Lisa, featuring her mid-eye-roll above the caption "Ugh, Monday." Look, we're contractually obliged to say it's the greatest pun ever committed to ceramics. It is. Ten out of ten. Buy twelve.
The Scented Candle Incident
Somebody, somewhere, decided what the Mona Lisa smells like. We received the candle expecting perhaps... nothing? A neutral wax? Instead we were hit with something described on the label as "Renaissance Fig & Old Paper." It smells like a church jumble sale. It is, however, an incredibly convincing church jumble sale, and our tester reported feeling briefly educated while burning it.
Pun quality: 0/10. No pun. Just fig. Build quality: 8/10. Burns evenly. Fills the flat with jumble. Secret Santa likelihood: 9/10. Nothing says "I forgot about you until 4pm on December 19th" like a candle themed on a 16th-century portrait.
The Cursed Item
And now, the reason we can't sleep. Among our haul arrived a Mona Lisa toilet roll holder — a plastic mount through which the paper feeds directly over her face, so that her expression is framed by a cascading waterfall of Andrex. The listing described it as "whimsical." It is not whimsical. It is a haunting. Her eyes follow you. The paper does nothing to help. Our office cat has refused to enter the bathroom since it was installed, and frankly the cat has read the room better than any of us.
Pun quality: 1/10. "Number two with a view" was printed on the box, which is something, technically. Build quality: 3/10. Wobbles menacingly. Secret Santa likelihood: 2/10. Only for enemies.
It should be removed from sale. We are calling on somebody — anybody — to act.
And the Winner Is...
In a shock result, the champion was neither mug nor magnet but the Mona Lisa jigsaw puzzle, 1,000 pieces, of which approximately 900 are identical beige. It's the perfect British gift: agonising, hilarious, quietly profound. You will start it on Boxing Day and finish it in March, or never. Her smile will be the last piece, every time, because the universe has a sense of humour.
Pun quality: 6/10 (the box reads "A Piece of History" — respect). Build quality: 9/10. Secret Santa likelihood: 10/10. A legend. A champion. A very beige weekend.
Now if you'll excuse us, we've got a shower curtain to review and a cat to apologise to.
