The Nan's 'Hmm' and Other Legendary British Smirks, Ranked and Rated

Leonardo da Vinci allegedly spent four years on the Mona Lisa's smile. Amateur. Here in Britain, we've perfected the art of the near-invisible smirk to the point where it can be deployed in less than half a second, usually mid-sip of tea, and always with devastating consequences.

The subtle smirk is our national currency. We don't say what we think — we smirk what we think. And so, in the spirit of rigorous art criticism, we've ranked the nation's greatest smirks out of ten for subtlety, devastation, and how likely they'd survive being painted on a poplar panel.

1. The Nan's 'Hmm' — 10/10

The undisputed champion. You've brought your new partner round for Sunday roast. Nan looks at them. Nan says 'hmm'. That's it. That's the whole performance. And yet your partner will be emotionally processing it for the next four years.

The genius is in the ambiguity. Is it approval? Disdain? Indigestion? Nobody knows. Not even nan. She's simply channelling something older and more powerful than all of us. Da Vinci's lady may have an enigmatic smile, but she never made a grown adult from Croydon question their entire relationship over a Yorkshire pudding.

Devastation rating: Extinction-level.

2. The Wrong-Round Regular — 9/10

Every pub has one. You order the round, you bring it over, and you've got the drinks slightly wrong — a lager shandy where the shandy should be, a lemonade that was meant to be a soda and lime. You won't be told. You'll simply notice.

The Wrong-Round Regular raises one eyebrow approximately two millimetres, lets the corner of the mouth curl like a scroll of ancient parchment, and says nothing. The message is received. The round is quietly corrected. Order in the pub is restored.

Subtlety rating: Nearly invisible. Practically fresco.

3. The Train Seat Détente — 8/10

Someone's bag is on your reserved seat. They know. You know they know. A confrontation would be un-British. Instead, you lock eyes for exactly one second and exchange the Smirk of Mutual Understanding — the facial equivalent of a signed armistice.

The bag moves. Nobody speaks. It is the most civilised conflict resolution on Earth and frankly the UN should study it.

4. The Group Chat Screenshot Smirk — 7/10

You've said something so funny in the group chat that someone has screenshotted it and shown it to you in person. They smirk at you. You smirk back at your own joke. It's smug, it's self-satisfied, and it's earned. The only smirk on this list you're allowed to be proud of.

5. The 'I Told You So' But In Silence — 6/10

Your mate ignored your advice about the cheap flights with the 4am departure from Stansted. Now they're telling you about the three-hour queue and the gate that was a twenty-minute bus ride away. You don't gloat. You simply smirk into your pint like a Renaissance portrait that's seen things.

Losing marks because it's the hardest to suppress — a full smirk here risks tipping into an audible 'ha', which would be a social catastrophe.

6. The Shop Assistant Who's Seen It All — 5/10

You've returned a 'faulty' kettle that is very clearly covered in limescale from never once being descaled. The shop assistant doesn't argue. They smirk, they take the kettle, they process the refund. Their smirk says: 'I have seen ten thousand kettles, and every single one of them was your fault.'

7. The Wedding Photo Smirk — 4/10

Captured mid-event, usually during the speeches, by the official photographer. You look like you know something nobody else does. You don't. You were just thinking about the buffet. But that photo will hang in your mum's hallway forever, all mystery and no substance. The Mona Lisa of the mantlepiece.

How To Master The Enigmatic Smile Yourself

Fancy adding the subtle smirk to your repertoire? Follow our foolproof method:

1. Think of something mildly amusing but don't laugh. A pun is ideal. Hold it in. Feel it ferment.
2. Lift one corner of the mouth only. Symmetry is for grinners and people who enjoy karaoke.
3. Add a slow blink if you want to signal wisdom, or a raised eyebrow if you want to signal judgement.
4. Say nothing. The smirk is ruined by commentary, like a joke that gets explained.

Practise in the mirror until you look enigmatic rather than like you've got trapped wind. Five minutes a day is plenty. Da Vinci needed four years; you've got a commute.

The Final Brushstroke

The Mona Lisa's smile has survived five centuries, a theft, and an estimated 30,000 selfies a day. But could it convey 'your round is wrong, mate' with a single curl of the lip? Could it make a partner from Nuneaton doubt their worth at a roast dinner? Absolutely not.

Britain's smirks are the true masterpieces. Someone should get the National Gallery on the phone. We'll wait.